STUCK IN A RUT...

Haven't posted for a while have been fairly stressed about lots of things.. My weight went up and is now at 110.8kgs.. Not too impressed with it... I should have been at about 107 by now.. even lower if I hadn't have gone off the wagon a few times.. My struggles are all emotional.. I am emotionally exhausted.. I have 2 weeks holidays after this week and can't wait.. I really need it to re-evaluate my priorities in life.. I need to move forward and deal with the shit that has held me back for sooooooo long... I admitted today that I think the stuff from even back when I was at school is still holding me back.. I was bullied so much at school it was hard to bear.. I left in Year 10 because of it.. Add that to my abusive relationship and I can understand how I feel that I am hopeless.. I have been told that sooo many times over the years that I still believe it.. I know that I have achieved a lot but I find it hard to recognise and acknowledge that because I still feel the way I did when I eas enduring the abuse.. As if nothing I can do is good enough... I also think that I fear losing weight because it is like letting my guard down.. I feel like I'm reaching the weight when the abuse started and it is hard to go back there with the emotions still attached... I also acknowledged today that I use food as a punishment... I need to work thru my issues cause they are holding me back big time... PT told me to go back to my pages that I filled in when I first started about what is holding me back and where I want to be.. Here it is:

Pain associated with being in your present situation:
* Not many clothes - very limited choice - daggy
* My feet are too fat
* People staring and talking negatively
* I don't have much energy
* My physical activities are extremely limited
* I am concerned about some chairs - whether they can handle me
* my knee is so painful
* my tuckshop arms are yuck and stop me from buying/ weasring very short sleeves/ sleeveless tops
* I can not wear a swimming costume
* I don't have many friends
* Men aren't interested in a relationship with me

Pleasure associated with achieving goals:
* I will have a wide selection of clothes
* People will stare in amazement and make positive comments
* My feet will be an ideal size
* I will have heaps of energy
* I will participate in many physical activities
* I will no longer worry about chairs
* My knee will be less painful
* My arms will improve and I will short short sleeves
* I will wear a swimming costume
* I will make more friends
* Men will be interested in a relationship with me - I will have to choose

Some of these I have achieved like increased physical activity; no more sore knee (touch wood); positive comments; not worried about chairs; increased energy most of the time; I have bought a few size 16 shirts that are too big (I was a size 26); not concerned about chairs; my feet are shrinking... I have made achievements...

I am too hard on myself, this is another issue that I need to work on now.. I can no longer beat myself over trivial stuff.. I think that stems from the abuse... I feel like I need to live up to everyone's expectations.. I worry about what people think of me...