Latest Pic.. MILF in the making...LMAO.. Am now 108.5kg.. 41.5kg gone forever : )

Bought some new clothes.. Only the vest is new in this pic.. It is a size small from Autograph..woo hoo.. The red shirt I have had for a few years and wanted to fit into.. It is a size 14... The pants I have also had for ages.. They are actually too big around the waist now.. I bought quite a few other shirts all in size 14... SOOOOOOOO happy that I can finally buy clothes in the 'normal' section or a 'normal' shop.. I am currently 109.3kgs...

Have started studying Personal Training.. Started last Saturday and almost finished Certificate III in 6 days... Many steps closer to realising my dream of inspiring and empowering people through my experiences and journey...

I still feel like the same old me - when I look in the mirror it's like my brain just automatically adjusts to whatever it sees, so it is no wow factor... When I look at pictures and compare that is more noticeable... I have lost 40.7 kilos now... Amazing... I'm over 1/2 way...

Tonight will be interesting, and will be an indication of how I am now looking... I am going out for the first time since New Years Eve... There will be a few people that I haven't seen for a while so will be interesting to see what the comments will be - if any... I am also meeting up with a guy that I haven't seen since 31st January.. Will be really interesting to see if he comments... I am hoping to blow him away.. lol..

LMAO.. Not the best pic... Either I was doing a luvvo pose or I wasn't impressed that I was about to go to work.. Thought I would post this one to show front on the difference in my face.. The size and complexion have changed remarkably... This pic was only taken about 3 weeks ago.. Will have to post new ones once I get under 110kgs.. Hopefully that will be next week...

This is me at about 146kgs.. Had to add it to show how much I have lost.. To help me realise that I am doing really well.. This picture makes me want to spew.. I never want to go back there... You can see how unhappy I was.. My eyebrows need to be mown big time! My fashions sense was up shit creek without a paddle...

STUCK IN A RUT...

Haven't posted for a while have been fairly stressed about lots of things.. My weight went up and is now at 110.8kgs.. Not too impressed with it... I should have been at about 107 by now.. even lower if I hadn't have gone off the wagon a few times.. My struggles are all emotional.. I am emotionally exhausted.. I have 2 weeks holidays after this week and can't wait.. I really need it to re-evaluate my priorities in life.. I need to move forward and deal with the shit that has held me back for sooooooo long... I admitted today that I think the stuff from even back when I was at school is still holding me back.. I was bullied so much at school it was hard to bear.. I left in Year 10 because of it.. Add that to my abusive relationship and I can understand how I feel that I am hopeless.. I have been told that sooo many times over the years that I still believe it.. I know that I have achieved a lot but I find it hard to recognise and acknowledge that because I still feel the way I did when I eas enduring the abuse.. As if nothing I can do is good enough... I also think that I fear losing weight because it is like letting my guard down.. I feel like I'm reaching the weight when the abuse started and it is hard to go back there with the emotions still attached... I also acknowledged today that I use food as a punishment... I need to work thru my issues cause they are holding me back big time... PT told me to go back to my pages that I filled in when I first started about what is holding me back and where I want to be.. Here it is:

Pain associated with being in your present situation:
* Not many clothes - very limited choice - daggy
* My feet are too fat
* People staring and talking negatively
* I don't have much energy
* My physical activities are extremely limited
* I am concerned about some chairs - whether they can handle me
* my knee is so painful
* my tuckshop arms are yuck and stop me from buying/ weasring very short sleeves/ sleeveless tops
* I can not wear a swimming costume
* I don't have many friends
* Men aren't interested in a relationship with me

Pleasure associated with achieving goals:
* I will have a wide selection of clothes
* People will stare in amazement and make positive comments
* My feet will be an ideal size
* I will have heaps of energy
* I will participate in many physical activities
* I will no longer worry about chairs
* My knee will be less painful
* My arms will improve and I will short short sleeves
* I will wear a swimming costume
* I will make more friends
* Men will be interested in a relationship with me - I will have to choose

Some of these I have achieved like increased physical activity; no more sore knee (touch wood); positive comments; not worried about chairs; increased energy most of the time; I have bought a few size 16 shirts that are too big (I was a size 26); not concerned about chairs; my feet are shrinking... I have made achievements...

I am too hard on myself, this is another issue that I need to work on now.. I can no longer beat myself over trivial stuff.. I think that stems from the abuse... I feel like I need to live up to everyone's expectations.. I worry about what people think of me...

WEIGH IN & MEASURE..

Weighed in today at 111.9kgs - Lost 1.4kgs.. And 2cm - now a total of 8.1kgs & 33.5cm..

Everything was just like it was prior to Tuesday.. Will be interesting to see if anything happens on Tuesday when we are alone again..

BACK ON THE WAGON...

Fell off the wagon a few times over the weekend.. Aunt Flo arrived on Sunday and I was craving sugar big time.. December was fine, January was a little hard and this month was a shocker.. No exercise either.. Lots of rain.. And lots of excuses...LOL.. In my last post I said it was hormonal but perhaps it was really psychological... Perhaps something in my sub-conscious that was weighing me down.. After all it was Valentines Day on Saturday...

I have recently realised and admitted to myself that single life aint that bad.. I feel comfortable for the first time in a long time with the fact that I have been single for the past 2 years.. I no longer long to be in a relationship.. I have learned so many lessons over the past 12 months from men that I am not sure that realtionships are all they are cracked up to be.. What I do miss is companionship.. It is nice to have someone to spend time with, have dinner, movie, laugh.. wateva.. intimacy is also something that I miss... but something that has been confronting in the past.. a big part of decision to remove myself from the dating scene was that I wasn't haven't having any luck in that arena.. I blamed the guys... but I think that my lack of confidence was a massive factor.. So I thought that the best thing was that I removed myself from the dating scence and started enjoying the single life.. The other part of the issue was that I was attracted married/ unavailable men.. I had soooo many show interest over the past 12 months that it was becoming a joke.. a very bad joke... I wondered if it was karma... for seeking companionship/intimacy with my ex.. which I knew was a bad mistake but he was the only one at that stage that I felt comfortable with and who was willing to be me whenever I desired.. I just couldn't say no... The biggest issue apart from the emotional turmoil was that he has a partner.. He still has not admitted to me that he has one but I know that he does.. I put a stop to it in February last year.. after many times on and off for 6 years.. I knew that I couldn't do it anymore.. I needed to remove him from my life.. in that way anyway.. just have contact for our daughter's sake.. A few months after I stopped then I started attracted the unavailables.. So many temptations... I just couldn't go there.. One of them took me by surprise and kissed me and almost 9 months is desperate for more.. I just want interest from some single men.. Is that too much to ask for??..lol... I have suffered and been tested enough by the unavailables... I want to have heaps of interest as my weight decreases.. Please grant me my wish Universe...

PT wanted to weigh me yesterday... I was scared!!.. I don't want to put on weight.. I knew that it was not going to be kind to me.. as PT said "the scales don't lie" and neither do I.. I told him that I had a crap weekend and I was really surprised that he didn't kick my butt.. He just told me that it is time to re-focus... Incredibly supportive.. I am truly blessed to have him in my life.. As a good friend and PT.. He makes it all seem like so much fun.. And that's what I need.. We laugh so much.. He reminded today of my goal to lose about 4.2kgs by the end of February.. I reminded him that February is almost over and he said that I have 11 days and it is possible..

Started back teaching yesterday... quite interesting that yesterday and today I was asked if I am single.. Hmmm.. A student today told me that I look like I am single..LOL.. What does a single person look like???.. Another student told her that she shouldn't have said that and then a discussion started about appropriate statements.. I wondered whether I looked single because I am overweight... One student said I look independent.. I'll pay that!!

Here's moiye... I'm now 114.1kgs.. 30cm gonnnee... I'm shocked that I actually photoed my shoulder and uploaded it!! That's the new me! Also put it up on Facebook..lol..

Started back at work this week.. Haven't had that many people comment on the change.. Hmmm.. makes me wonder.. Did see someone that I hadn't seen for 2 years - I was about 146kgs the last time I saw her - 32kgs lighter.. yeah.. I guess I would look a bit different..

My goal for rest of the month is to lose minimum 4.2kgs.. Have 16 days to do it... Have taken up the challenge and hoping that I will achieve it... Had my day off exercise and plan today.. Almost that time of the month so had a couple of sweet things.. Didnt feel fantastic afterwards but anyways..shit happens.. all psychological.. no.. actually hormonal..

Back to Training in the morning - have already done 3 sessions this week - 2 x 1-1 sessions & 1 x Group session.. Loving the cooler weather, so much easier to exercise.. I don't mind building up a sweat but when I stand still and sweat that's not fun..

INCREASING TO 3 DAYS TRAINING...

Thought I'd drop a note here about my increase in Training. As of this week I will be doing 3 sessions a week with my Trainer.. Soooo looking forward to ramping it up.. Have to lose a minimum of a kilo a week from now on..

Was amazed today - I walked 7km in 1hr 10mins.. I cut 20mins off my time.. WOO HOO... My fitness levels are amazing.. Will be interesting to see what my level actually is.. I am doing the beep test this week which will determine where I am at..

I have noticed that my confidence is increasing.. I'm not so caught up in what other ppl think anymore.. On Friday night we went to a movie in the park and as we were looking for a spot to sit I led my daugher across the front of the crowd instead of the back as I would have in the past.. I'm not nearly as self conscious as what I have been in the past.. and loving it.. A lady was staring at me at the shops the other day.. I just stared back.. but I was wondering what she was thinking.. was it disgust as I had always thought or was she actually envious.. First time I had thought semi- positively about stares..

Will keep you posted on the ramping up.. Expecting to be sore this week.. Love it, means Im working hard!

ANOTHER MONTH FLASHED BY...

Have been doing Personal Training for about 6 weeks now.. I have lost almost 5kgs and 23.5cm.. I am thrilled to bits.. Can't use weight loss as a gauge as I am building muscle.. And I can actually feel muscles I never knew I had!

I feel the fittest I have been in... EVER.. I feel great.. I have soooo much energy.. We have had some shockingly hot days and I have still got out there and exercised.. I have learnt to love exercise and I feel bad if I don't do it..

Really looking forward to get back to work in a few weeks.. Will be interesting to see what comments I will get..

A few ppl have commented - particularly on my face, it has thinned out a lot apparently.. I can notice it now.. even in my body.. my clothes are getting loose.. I don't have many clothes left.. I cleared out my cupboard so only have the bare essentials left.. I only kept one skirt from when I was at my heaviest so that I can see how far I have come.. Can't wait to walk into a shop and pick up a 14 off the rack and know that it will fit.. Bring it on..

My attitude is sooo much more positive now.. Trivial stuff no longer bothers me.. I am joking a lot more, which I love.. because that is more of the real me that has been hidden under the fat... I feel like I have also relieved pressure by removing myself from dating websites and the dating scene in general.. I want to feel fantastic about myself before I contemplate dating so that I have no worries at all about my looks.. I am feeling more comfortable now but still not nearly 100%..

I think my daughter is loving the new me even tho she probably won't admit it.. particularly when I do a spontaneous 5km walk when she is with me..lol... It's fantastic for her because she is fast appraoching puberty and has been gaining weight - yes, just like Mum!.. I know I am a more positive role model in all aspects.. An indication of my energy levels - Australia Day - woke up at 5am, went to see Hot Air Balloons... Pool Party during the day.... Concert at night... I would never have had this energy in the past.. I would have been lucky to get to one of the events..

Looking forward to Training today.. WOO HOO...